Grief Series - Bargaining
**** Trigger Warnings****
Discussions of abuse, sex, murder, rape and use of profanity.
These writings deal with a lot of hard stuff that might be triggering for a lot of people. Please, be kind to yourself, take your time and step away for a bit if you need to.
If depression was difficult then bargaining was confusing. I know not everyone experiences all stages of grief and, as stated, may skip around to these different emotions. For me, I just didn’t really know what I was doing. If I had the choice, what would I even ask for? I didn’t have anything to offer in exchange for what the secret parts of my heart longed for. Maybe it was a result of low self-worth at this time. I felt utterly powerless to ask for anything that I needed, much less wanted. I was a small crushed flower that had been discarded and trampled on. From my curled position on the floor- who would even hear my pleas?
Even as the marriage was ending, I was trying to decide and bargain with myself about what I was and wasn’t going to be ok with in a relationship moving forward. Gentleness? Yes, that was going to be very high on my priority list. Finances? That was something that was very important to Josh and though I had gotten comfortable with our lifestyle and feeling very financially secure, I was definitely willing to let that aspect go in exchange for a person that would value me more than their income.
Empathy, understanding, and an acceptance for who I was, brokenness and all. Those were things I didn’t want to live without again.
I’ve often thought that with my parents having one of the best marriages I’ve seen, as well as many other friends who have truly good and strong relationships, that I would have been better prepared to recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship.
I think it’s like that old analogy of the frog in the boiling water, though. Especially when someone is caught in the earlier stages of abuse, many of the signs can look pretty subtle, at least for a time.
Once I finally left the marriage, I began the terribly stressful process of trying to bargain with Josh for our assets. Obviously, this stage of grief isn’t about literally bargaining for things - but what it really boiled down to was my having to weigh my sense of self worth and mental peace against what Josh felt I was owed. Which, in his mind, was very little.
Despite the law being on my side, Josh was not going to willingly give me much of anything from our shared life. There were some very large moments when I considered just letting him have everything so I could be done and not have to speak with him any more or hear his accusations about how I was just a “cold hearted machine” and that I wanted to steal everything from him. I am very glad now that I didn’t give into his demands and personal attacks on my character. But, during that time, I would have given my right arm, if it meant I could just be done. If I could just be safe, alone and finally start to rebuild my life.
As I was saying above, I wasn’t so much trying to bargain with trying to save my marriage at this point, (though I do feel like I gave it all I could for a very long time. Which was its own form of bargaining I suppose. That usually took the form of “maybe if I do this, or look this way, he’ll be happy and satisfied.” ) It was an ongoing negotiation and battle to convince myself that there was a better way out there, I might actually be able to experience it and, I did in fact deserve it.
We all do.
A very special thank to Rebekah Joy Morley and Joy Ford for helping me make this image! For Rebekah’s wonderful modeling and Joy's expert shutting clicking, fog waving and leave holding. Though, it is very possible to create conceptual images on your own, it's always more fun and encouraging to create them with the help of others. Thank you both so much.