Grief Series - Anger
**** TRIGGER WARNINGS****
Discussions of abuse, sex, murder, rape and use of profanity.
These writings deal with a lot of hard stuff that might be triggering for a lot of people. Please, be kind to yourself, take your time and step away for a bit if you need to.
In the process of healing, I’ve learned that anger really scares me.
“Keep it in”, “Don’t let the sun go down…”, “it’s wrong”, “ good Christians don’t… “, “you’ll lose control if…” ,” it’s destructive, “ . “it's not ok. it’s not ok it's not ok it's not ok…. “
These are the messages about anger I grew up believing. I seem to have put all emotions on a sort of continuum where things like happiness, joy and melancholy are good and fine emotions, sadness and depression are a bummer, but understandable, and anger is “bad” .
“Your anger is ruining our relationship,” he said.
“It’s your fault if you can’t let it go and forgive me”
“Jesus would have forgiven”
It took me ages to actually recognize and validate my own anger. Josh made me feel like all of his unkindness and controlling were my fault; I didn’t know how I was supposed to be mad at him for the ways I felt hurt. “It's your anger that’s ruining our relationship,” he repeated over and over. “It’s eating you up from the inside.”
And I did feel like I was being consumed. But I didn’t know if the riot of emotions was actually anger, as he accused, or if it was more hurt and confusion.
The true anger wouldn’t fully come until later.
When I had the opportunity to face him and confront him in the courtroom full of people and finally hold him accountable for all the ways he hurt me, took over my life and destroyed other people's lives.
But, then he killed himself and took that opportunity for justice away from everyone- and that’s when I felt truly mad.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a person who swears. Not rarely, but like, ever. I think I’ve uttered maybe two swear words before that I can recall.
But, with only one day to go before Josh’s sentencing hearing, I was out for a run when Maria’s family's attorney called me and let me know that Josh had hanged himself the previous night. The fact was crushing to me. After so long of hiding from him and fearing him… and now I’d never get to say these things to his face.
You, Joshua, you made me fear you. No one should ever fear their partner. The person who has vowed to love, protect and cherish them.
You betrayed me. To the point that I no longer felt safe even sleeping next to you, because I didn’t know, if I let my guard down, if I’d wake up to your unwanted touches. To you using my body as a tool for your masturbation.
I felt so broken down and diminished. You made me doubt my own ability to do something as simple as pay our bills - much less try and leave, though I was terrified to stay.
You set out to convince me that I was broken and unlovable, that no one else could want me with “my issues”.
I thought that, as my husband, you were supposed to want the best for me. To see me thrive and grow into the best version of myself. But you only wanted a Barbie doll to play with.
As I got off the phone with the attorney, my breathing came in gasps as I ran.
The only thing that kept playing through my mind was
How dare he. What a FUCKING bastard! What a fucking coward. *2
I wish he knew how he victimized me, Maria and all of our families. I wish he had been able to sit with the destruction he’d caused. (Victim impact statement)
So, I am angry.
I am angry for the ways in which Josh made me feel worthless; how he disregarded the care of my body, how he continued to insist I have sex with him even though he knew it hurt me. And would guilt and coerce me until he got his way, that he felt entitled to sleep around.
It wasn’t just about sex though. Those are things I can point to as more “obvious” forms of abuse. But, I’m angry at how he would dominate and control our animals, how he isolated me from my family and insisted on moving us far away. He didn’t want me to share important details of our relationship to close friends or family, demanded I stopped seeing my therapist and going to church, told me my friends were bad influence on me, I am angry that he made me feel terrified for so long, and that I didn’t have the strength to speak out sooner and potentially warn the next person he would meet.
I spent such a long time being afraid to share my experience with people because I was afraid of my anger taking over, of painting him in a bad light, or negatively impacting his life.
I’m learning, however, that anger doesn’t always have to be bad or scary. That burning in your chest, that sense of your emotions being so strong that you could choke on them, is a powerful feeling that can, and should be harnessed and directed for making positive changes.
Even though it terrifies me, I’m learning that a soft and gentle voice isn’t always the best way to handle a situation or get someone's attention.
I have concluded that, if we are going to continue to live in a world that's so full of injustice, prejudice, sexism, violence and patriarchy, then we, as a collective, need to stand up and let the world know that we ARE NOT OK with the abuse.
We cannot sit idly by while every single day thousands of people experience domestic violence in America alone. * (centerforfamilyjustice.org “A person is abused in the United States every 9 seconds; (Bureau of Justice Statistics)”)
There was a book I was given in the beginning of the end of my marriage called Why Does He Do That? It was a vital tool in helping me learn what type of person Josh was, as well as how damaged our relationship was. But it also talked about “The Myth of Neutrality”. Every time I read it, it lights again that fire I feel to destroy the taboo around talking about Domestic Violence.
“It is not possible to be truly balanced in one’s views of an abuser and an abused woman. As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently and her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality “actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral. Although an abuser prefers to have you wholeheartedly on his side, he will settle contentedly for your decision to take a middle stance.
To him, that means you see the couple's problem as partly her fault and partly his fault, which means it isn’t abuse. I was speaking with a person one day who was describing the abusive relationship of a man and woman, both of whom are friends of hers. “They each want me to side with them,” she explained to me, “but I refuse to take sides. They have to work out their own dynamics. I have let both of them know that I’m there for them. If I openly supported her, he would just dig his heels in harder.” She added, “People need to avoid the temptation to choose up teams” in a tone that indicated that she considers herself to be of superior maturity because of her neutrality.
In reality, to remain neutral is to collude with the abusive man, whether or not that is your goal. If you are aware of chronic and severe mistreatment and do not speak out against it, your silence communicates implicitly that you see nothing unacceptable taking place. Abusers interpret silence as approval, or at least as forgiveness. To abused women, meanwhile, the silence means that no one will help-- just what her partner wants her to believe. Anyone who chooses to quietly look the other way therefore unwittingly becomes the abuser's ally.
Breaking the silence does not necessarily mean criticizing or confronting the abuser regarding his behavior. It certainly does not mean going to him with anything you have learned from her, because the abuser will retaliate against her for talking about his behavior to other people. It does mean telling the abused woman privately that you don’t like the way he’s treating her and that she doesn’t deserve it, no matter what she has done. And if you see or hear violence or threats, it means calling the police.”
- Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men.
Let me reiterate, with our silence, we are not just “minding our own business.” We are silently telling the abusers, “It’s ok. We don’t mind what you’re doing.”
It took some very brave individuals to confront me and tell me that they didn’t think how Josh treated me was ok. It was hard for me to hear at first, but I owe those people my life.
If ever you’re witnessing a situation you believe to be an unhealthy one, do not be afraid to speak out and show support to the victim. Even if it turns out that it was just a "small offense" or not as big of a deal as you thought, that support will be extremely helpful. It shows that ANY abusive behavior, big or small, is never okay or justified.
Otherwise, where are we supposed to draw the line? Do we have to wait until someone has broken bones or gets killed before we say we don’t approve?
I hope This project is only the beginning of me finally being able to recognize and use this anger I feel to propel a positive change.
And I hope you, my reader, will join me.
*2 Even writing this to you now reader, my fingers hovered over the keys. To admit that those were the words in my head feel like I’ve broken some sort of life long rule I’ve held for myself. I’m not a person that swears. But, for once in my life, those were the only words that felt appropriate.
I nearly didn’t want to admit that to you though. Not that anyone else probably cares about my secret scorecard for “least swears” … but there you go, I felt that not telling you my actual inner thoughts would have been less than authentic. Hopefully you won’t hold it against me too much.
Special thanks to my sister Taylor, for be the most excellent shutter clicker and fire holder! Thank you for helping me make this image.
Also, thank you to Will Penton, who continued to give me constructive feedback and advice on how to make this image, and the project as a whole stronger.