Grief Series - Depression
**** TRIGGER WARNINGS****
Discussions of abuse, sex, murder, rape and use of profanity.
These writings deal with a lot of hard stuff that might be triggering for a lot of people. Please, be kind to yourself, take your time and step away for a bit if you need to.
Honestly this stage was probably the hardest to both recognize and work through. Mainly because I thought I knew what depression looked like. I have several people in my life that struggle with depression or other mental health issues. I am intimately familiar with how depression looks from the outside. Or, at least I thought I was. I kept thinking to myself “I don’t feel like one of those antidepressants drug commercials'', I am able to get out of bed in the morning, I’m still exercising, I wasn’t crying all the time (ok, there was a lot of crying… but not “all” the time )….
But, I’m sure it goes without saying that depression looks and feels different for everyone. And if you need someone to say it out loud to you, let me be the first person to say that “it is OK to not be ok” if you are struggling with ANY form of depression, you are not alone and it’s ok to talk to people and ask for help. No one will think less of you or dislike you because of it. Chances are, the people around you are already very aware that you’re not “your typical self” and are just waiting and praying for the chance to be able to be there for you.
If you don’t feel like you have that support system, please PLEASE reach out to someone else.
Such as one of the many hotlines:
National suicide prevention hotline - 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
National Hopeline Network: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433)
For me, I would waver between feeling incredibly numb and being overwhelmed with the desire to tear off my skin, run away and never look back. Yet all the while feeling like I was being held down and my voice choked off from my circumstances. (*see other pic)
The only way I felt like I could deal with the day to day was to turn further and further into myself and continue with my daily tasks the best I could. Because that was at least one area I had control over…
What made it even harder was that Josh firmly disbelieved in things like depression. He felt it was mind over matter every time. He also didn’t believe in going to see a therapist or being on mood stabilizing medications.
With our marriage falling apart, Josh wanting to sleep with other people and my body disassociating to the point of blacking out, I finally made the decision to see a therapist. But what I thought I was going to see a therapist for, our sexual issues (and by “our”, of course it was really ‘my’ sexual issues according to Josh), never ended up being addressed. (At least not in the way I expected.) Within minutes of sitting down with the therapist (I went alone to this first appointment, because as I mentioned… Josh didn’t approve of therapists), he had given me an evaluation to determine if my relationship was abusive and helped me establish a safety escape plan. In our next session, he gave me 3-4 evaluations on my current mental state and the results suggested that I was suffering from depression, anxiety, and PTSD.
I was a little surprised. Sure I’d been kinda down and I was upset about how my marriage was going. But had things really gotten that bad to give me some serious clinical diagnosis?
With a recommendation from my therapist and doctor, I went to see a psychiatrist to get an official diagnosis and to get started on meds. I’m incredibly thankful for those people for truly listening to me and providing the help I needed.
Of course Josh wasn’t happy about any of it.
“PTSD?!” he said dismissively when I told him about the appointments. “That’s for people who have gone to war.”
As we drove and he railed on about how it’s all about your mindset and there was nothing he’s ever done that could give me PTSD… I sat quietly in the car, knowing there was no argument I could try and convince him with, that would get him to understand how damaging his actions towards me were.
Can I just take a moment and say, if you know someone who feels like they are struggling with depression or any mental health issues, DO NOT minimize their experience! Though, I feel like if you are reading this, you probably are the type of person that is sensitive enough not to do that, but still. I felt like it was worth taking a moment to impress the importance of this to anyone reading.
Lonely, it just felt so lonely. I'm sitting here at my keyboard trying to figure out the best way I can try and explain my experience and only images are coming to my mind, rather than words.
Standing in a blank white room, feeling drained of color yourself. The air is chill and there isn’t anyone nearby to give you a sweater or a hug.
Sitting in a tub, you’ve been there so long that the water has gone cold. Still you sit and sink down into the water, wishing your skin would dissolve and you just wouldn't have to keep thinking and going on.
Laying on the ground in a wood, a hundred tiny vines wrap around you, pulling you under. You can't even scream for help because the dirt is filling your mouth.
It’s frustrating how debilitating depression is. When you know that there might be actions you can take that would help you get out of your situation, but you either don’t feel like you deserve to take those actions, or you’re just too tired to even try.