Hidden Wounds, a short story.
Hidden Wounds
By Alex Rumsey
Edited by Many Gregoire and Jenna Balboa
Illustrations by Brea Hanson Empty.space.art
We all live in a world where we are bound up in a thin layer of paper that we view as our shell. Some of us have grabbed all of the extra paper we can find to wrap ourselves up in, while others only have one small covering. Along with this flimsy armor we all are equipped with a distinct set of blades.
Of course it’s good to be able to have a way to defend yourself if the need arises. However, just as some people try to build up their armor, others spend a good deal of time sharpening their blades, or even acquiring more, and attaching them to themselves in hidden places.
There is a girl that lives in this world with an average amount of paper and an average amount of blades. As time goes by she eventually meets another person and they begin to spend lots of time together. Both of them are fully aware, or so they think, of the other person’s sharpest blades. Feeling that they can avoid injuring each other too badly, they decide to continue their lives together. Time passes and the girl is mostly content with the projected future. Eventually however, she wakes up one morning to find several small cuts in her paper armor.
“Strange,” she thinks. “I must have rubbed up against someone by accident. I shall be more careful today.”
Soon this pattern starts to become more frequent. Always reflecting back on the previous day she just tells herself that she is such a clumsy person, she really needs to be more aware of her surroundings. Maybe she should ask someone about getting some more paper? Maybe while she is sleeping she is cutting herself in her sleep. Regardless of what it is, she knows if she just tries a little harder she can minimize these wounds and get better.
More time goes by. The partner of the girl begins to point out that her paper is beginning to look a little ragged. She sadly realizes that he is right and vows to get some new paper so she can appear presentable to him and others.
More time passes. Different people come and go from the couple’s lives. Eventually a new set of people enter. Some even become close friends. Close enough to notice things that are out of the ordinary. After a time, one of the girl’s friends pulls her aside and points out that some blood seems to be seeping through her paper.
“Oh, that?” the girl responds. “That’s been there for a while, I barely even notice anymore.”
“Really?” the friend responds with a concerned look on her face. “Maybe you should get that checked out.”
“Maybe,” she responds. But in her head she knows that this little bit of blood shouldn’t be a big deal and it will get better, just like all the other times.
Soon the girl began to awake every day with aches and pains. It became so common that she thought that this is just how everyone must feel. Who is she to complain about any of it?
“We all have our issues after all…” she thinks to herself.
A little while later the friend dares to make another comment to the girl. “Hey, you know that bleeding I saw a while ago? Um… well, I think you’re bleeding in another spot now too.”
“Ugh, that again? Don’t you just hate when that happens?” The girl answers with a shrug of her shoulders.
“What do you mean?” the friend says with furrowed eyebrows, “I don’t have any seeping wounds like that.”
The girl’s eyes widen in surprise as she begins to think that maybe some of these injuries are not that common. Maybe not everyone feels these same deep aches that she does.
As the girl begins to reflect on her past wounds , she starts to think that some of these pains might be coming from her partner, somehow.
“But it's not really his fault” she reasoned to herself. “It’s just when you’re around someone so often, there is a greater chance of hurting each other. If we’re not careful….”
It’s true though, that those closest to us are able to stab us more deeply. Sometimes in places, hidden places, that no one else could reach. Of course a person may not be aware that their blades are cutting up the other person. At the same time, there will always be people in this world with especially large blades that can plunge their cutting edges deep as anything… but that sort of scenario was not really what this girl was afraid she was experiencing.
After months of contemplation, the girl finally gathered all the courage she could find, pulled back a small piece of the paper and showed her partner the gaping wound beneath.
“It’s not really that bad,” he responded, peeling back a section of his own paper. “You see? I have wounds too.”
“Yes…“ she says. “But I feel like these ones aren’t healing like they should and I fear I have many more I can’t see.”
“Fine, go see a Paper Mender then, if you really want,” he finally said after much conversing over the matter.
There are people in this world that are specially trained to assist people in pulling back their shell and help them repair the damage beneath. In the girl’s world, these skilled people are called the Paper Menders.
The girl searched high and low for a Paper Mender of high renown, all the while knowing that her partner held little regard for such people.
Gathering up her courage, she decided to make the journey anyway.
When she finally decided to make the appointment with the Paper Mender, she thought that maybe he would give her some suggestions on how to be less clumsy or that he would agree with the boy that things weren't that bad and she should be less sensitive. After all, she reminded herself, “Love requires sacrifices”.
However, as the Paper Mender began to help her unravel all the various layers and ragged strips, they began to see the damage was quite extensive.
The girl's breath began to quicken as the paper was pulled back . She could see vast cuts and deep bruising that crossed all over her pelvic area and there seemed to be an infection that had slowly made its way up towards her heart and mind.
She was feeling so overwhelmed. She didn’t even know where to begin to put herself back together again.
As the girl began to retreat within herself, feeling like maybe the pain of pulling back the paper wasn’t going to be worth it, the Paper Mender began to explain how the process would work.
“I know that revealing these wounds can feel like it hurts more than when you just left them covered up. When that fresh raw blood is exposed to the air, it can take your breath away.
But,” he continued in a calming manner, “as with most wounds, if you leave them unattended, they can fester and grow and often get much worse.”
As the meeting came to a close, the girl gingerly held onto her newly opened armour and vowed to at least try what the Paper Mender was offering to her. Especially since she was starting to fear what would happen if she didn’t try.
Going back to her partner with a tentative hope in her heart, the girl began recounting how devastated she felt by what she saw and learned. Though she was apprehensive about the boy's response, she hoped that with the guidance coming from a renowned Paper Mender that the boy would take this revelation of pain and caution to heart and respond with...what? Perhaps support and protection? Understanding and empathy? She wasn’t exactly sure, but she hoped he would at least be able to listen.
“Don’t go back,” he said with a dismissive shrug. “It’s obvious you are only getting more hurt. Obviously the little scratches must have not hurt you that bad if you didn’t even notice them until that Paper guy pointed them out to you. What you need is tape. You need to put tape or glue over all those rips and you will be just fine.”
The girl felt very confused because she wanted to believe her partner. It would be much easier to just go to the market and pick up some new tape. But she couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling in her stomach and decided to make another appointment with the Paper Mender.
One day the Paper Mender asked the girl if her partner ever used his blades on her.
“Well, yes…,” she said in a rush, “But we all have blades and I know I’ve used my blades on him before too. And anyway, I’m really clumsy. He’s always reminding me how I accidently bump into him and things like that.”
“Of course we all have blades. But we can learn to dull the edges, or even break some of them off. It is each person’s responsibility to watch out for our own blades and do all we can to protect one another,” the Paper Mender responded kindly. “I think what we need to do is give you a whole new set of armor,” he decided.
“But won’t that be expensive? And take a lot of time? Do I have to expose everything to change out the armor? I’m afraid that will hurt a whole lot…” the girl responded doubtfully.
“It’s true. I won’t lie to you. This process won’t be easy. But we will change it out a little at a time and in the end, this new set of paper will be much stronger and it will be able to protect you better. If your partner is willing, I’d really like to take a look at his blades. We may be able to identify and dull a few of them that seem to be cutting you up the most consistently. Your new armor will have trouble holding up if those same blades keep getting you in the same spot time and again.”
Each day the girl would go see the Paper Mender and each day come home with a new gap in her armor as she waited for the wounds to heal so they could finally put the new paper in place.
This process was indeed proving to be not only painful, but exhausting as well.
Near the beginning of this journey, given the Paper Mender’s suggestion, the girl decided that she would ask her partner not to embrace her for a time. Or perhaps at least ask him to be careful of those areas that were on the mend. After all, without her armor, she felt very vulnerable indeed.
This was very trying for the partner as embraces was one of his favorite activities.
“I feel like you are avoiding me,” the girl’s partner said when he was feeling especially irritable one day.
“I don’t mean to be,” she said, feeling ashamed. “It’s just that I feel really sore with all of these open wounds. I feel like it would be easier to keep a little distance so I won’t accidentally hurt myself on your blades. I just need some time to heal.”
“That’s just ridiculous. How do you expect us to be close with each other if you won’t even let me embrace you. That’s what being partners is all about. Just ask anyone. They would think it's wrong, what you’re doing, “ he said in a condemning tone. “It’s even in the book of laws, ‘Two partners shouldn’t be separate from each other.’ I don’t think you understand how hard this is for me,” he said. With each new sentence his frustration seemed to grow.
Conversations like this often left the girl feeling utterly confused and disheartened. She knew full well what her partner expected of her and she had tried to live up to that for so long. She also knew what it felt like to feel put down and unloved. She couldn’t stand the idea of making another person feel like that because of something she was or wasn’t doing.
And yet there was still that small nagging voice in the back of her mind that was telling her that if she really wanted to be a stronger, whole person, she needed to continue down the road she had embarked on with the Paper Mender.
However, as the boy and girl went about their journey, there started to be whispers in the town.
“That girl should have never even gotten involved with him in the first place, if this is what she was going to do.”
“Oh, I think all those problems are just in her head. She’s probably cutting herself just to make him look bad.”
And so it went; the comments flew. Some condemning, some dismissive, and yes, a few supportive. Needless to say, the talk amongst villagers and friends alike served only to add to the couple’s frustration and confusion.
Night after night, the girl would lay awake in bed trying to devise ways she could better explain to the boy why she couldn’t continue with the embraces he loved so much. “It’s like… if you had an open cut and someone wanted you to go swim in the sea…. or you broke your leg and someone insisted you play hopscotch with them. Those things aren’t bad in and of themselves, but doing them when you aren’t healed will cause more pain. If you know the person is hurt and those activities will continue to cause them pain, why would you still insist they do it?” These mental rehearsals would go on for hours.
She would try and distract herself, but the thought kept coming back to her. If the boy knew he was doing something that caused her pain, yet still insisted on doing it… his actions were beginning to feel intentional. If that was true, what was she supposed to do with that knowledge?
The girl tried and tried to explain all this to her partner... her conflicting feelings and wanting to do the right thing… even one day pointing out the blood on one of his blades and the place he had cut her.
In response, the boy only offered a half-hearted apology and a shrug. Clearly, he didn’t see the situation in the same way she did.
She knew that whether it was on purpose or not, her partner kept cutting her. Yet he did not think it was necessary to have his blades looked at. He would stand in the mirror and look at his own armor and blades and use some of his trusty tape to patch any rips and sometimes to wrap up a particularly sharp edge. But tape is only a temporary fix, and after a time, it would just wear through and he was left with the same painful problem.
“If you’re the one that's hurting, then you need some more tape or paper. I have been reading some manuals and they say, ‘If you try hard enough, and think positively, you can get over those hurts,’” said the boy in response to yet another conversation that the couple was having.
“What can a Paper Mender show me that I can’t see and solve myself?” the boy insisted.
After some time, the girl became fully dedicated to the healing process and worked to replace all of her damaged, broken armor and undesirable blades. The Paper Mender made it clear that all of this would not happen overnight. In fact it would likely take years and years of healing. The girl was amazed to find how deep some of the hurts went. Some went all the way back to her childhood. Along with the fear and the pain though, she began to feel a sense of excitement and anticipation.
As the girl began to heal and grow stronger, the boy started to feel more anger and resentment. He didn’t like how the Paper Mender was setting out all of these new “rules” for the girl. He hated how she now would turn away from his embraces.
He was used to how things used to be. He liked feeling in control and comfortable with the dynamic of their relationship. They had been partners for so long. Why did it all have to change now?
Beginning to feel desperate , the boy began to search for ways to regain what he felt like he had lost.
At first he tried responding through dismissal. The girl was just over reacting. He wasn’t that bad. Didn’t she notice and realize all the sacrifices he made for her? He didn’t hit her or yell at her like some partners did. He just liked embraces and knew that without them, a partnership was pointless and would never work.
He began to hate the Paper Mender more and more. The person his girl was turning into was barely recognizable.
As the boy thought and planned, he began to feel hurt. He also felt entitled to his own comforts and needs. If the girl wasn’t going to embrace him anymore, what should stop him from seeking that out elsewhere? Wasn’t it his right?
Through the weeks and months the couple went about their lives. The girl tried to work with the Paper Mender and the boy tried his own solutions. Some days the boy would be kind, gentle, and loving to the girl, mainly in hopes that he could persuade her to act “normal” again. When that failed, he would chastise her for her behavior. He was utterly convinced that the stress and issues they were facing were her fault and she needed to just stop. He could see that as she was changing and replacing her armor, that she was getting more and more angry at him. What about forgiveness? he thought. What about love and sacrifice?
Some nights, the boy would share these thoughts with the girl and she would spend more sleepless nights mulling over his words and wonder if he was right. Was it her duty to surrender her own health and wellbeing, if it meant he would be happier? Relationships were supposed to be about sacrifice… right?
Filled with guilt and confusion, the girl decided to seek out additional counsel from the religious elders in the village. Because of the boy's persistence in having embraces, she was beginning to feel unsafe in their home together.
This was a fairly taboo subject in the village though, and the girl had been brought up on the righteous teachings of The Inventor and knew that leaving the relationship wouldn’t be looked upon favorably. But she was desperate for any assistance or wisdom they could offer her.
“And… and I just don’t feel safe or feel like he is doing much to take care of his blades” the girl's voice was choked with tears as she finished recounting the events of the last several months to the Elders.
They were silent as they looked amongst themselves. The girl couldn’t tell if it was concern, compassion, righteous indignation or condemnation that was in those glances. Finally, one of them spoke up “We feel that it would be best to have the two of you come back and we can all discuss this matter together. But we do encourage you, as the good book says, ‘partners shouldn’t leave each other once brought together.” They did assure her that they would do their very best to reach out to the boy as well and help guide him in being more careful with her.
So the boy and girl went back to see the elders together. The girl again expressed her fears and concerns while the boy sat quietly next to her. The tension in the air was thick and the girl feared what sort of fallout this conversation might have. Especially after the boy had made it clear that he didn’t want to share personal information with outside people.
“We feel that it would be best for you two to continue your relationship together and we will try and rally around you both and support you through these struggles. Even though leaving the relationship might sound appealing, we know from the book of laws that doing so would be going against the will of The Inventor of all things “ said the oldest Elder.
The boy reached over and held the girl’s hand. In that moment, she didn’t want that tender sign of affection when what she really wanted was for him to stop hurting her and have his blades looked at.
“We will do our very best.” said the boy with an earnest expression. “She is my partner. I love her and can’t imagine losing her.”
The girl's heart sank. The boy was so good at saying the right things and acting gently when they were around the other villagers. She felt trapped, alone, and unheard. Did the elders not listen? Did they not see the rips in her armor and the gleaming blades on the boy? It’s not that she wanted to leave for forever… but how was she supposed to sit at home while he continued to try and embrace her? If he didn’t stop, she was beginning to fear an outcome worse than cuts and bruises.
Leaving the meeting with the Elders, the girl couldn't help but think of the faraway land that the Paper Mender had come from. In that land, she was told that the villagers have more respect for each other's armor and embraces don’t carry such a high currency. Even the book of laws, he said, was interpreted slightly differently. It was a place filled with hope, respect, gentleness and understanding.
It almost sounded too good to be true to the girl. Sometimes she would find herself daydreaming about it, wondering if the Paper Mender could be telling the truth and if she could ever get to such a village.
One day, without really thinking about it, the girl told the boy of this place. He quickly grew angry and forbade her from leaving and told her she couldn’t go back to the Paper Mender.
She stood looking at him with disbelief. Feeling a sense of dread as he had just cut her last lifeline. . Yes, she was tired and sore… but she could finally see the new armour coming together. How could she continue to heal on her own?
The girl had always been taught that partners should listen to and respect each other - especially girls listening to the boys. But she knew with all her heart that this time, if she listened to him and stopped seeing the Paper Mender, that the boy's blades would eventually cut her beyond repair.
Now knowing that she needed to care for her own safety, the girl made one of the boldest decisions of her life. She ignored the boy and kept making her armour stronger and kept seeing the Paper Mender.
Seeing this, the boy became more angry. First he tried pleading, then bribing, then stonewalling the girl, and finally threats. With each new tactic the picture became more and more clear to the girl that he didn’t care much for her safety, comfort, or even the protection of her armour. What he wanted was to keep things the way they were - embraces and all.
One day, the girl woke in the morning to find new, fresh, deep cuts in those hidden places.
And that was it. She quietly got out of bed, while the boy was still sleeping. With tears running down her face, from fear and sadness, but also with an overwhelming sense of relief that she could finally choose to protect her safety, the girl started to pack a small bag.
Pack slung over her shoulder, she walked out of their home, then she found herself running. Running away from the pain, fear, loneliness and from someone she thought had loved her. To where she was running to, she didn’t quite know, but what she knew was that it wasn’t here. Running from the house that was no longer a home.
Whatever it took, however long, she was going to find that far away village.
She didn’t know if it would truly be the magical place the paper mender told her about. Full of trust, safety and understanding. But, for the first time in a long time, she listened to her gut, that it had to be better than here. And though she knew her work wasn’t over, with repairing her armour and dulling her blades, she at least knew the boy could never cut her again.
